This Pregnancy Thing

I have finally hit the sweatpants, yoga pants, and all things jersey knit portion of my pregnancy. Being a stay at home mom, I usually like to dress cute. It makes me feel good, and I'm always more productive when I don't feel like I'm wearing my pj's.

 Pregnancy is a different bird. I have had round ligament pain, back pain, or sciatica during all four of my pregnancies. By the time I'm feeling as big as a house, I have to seek comfort where I can find it--be it in yoga pants or key lime pie.

This pregnancy has been a difficult one for me mentally. After giving birth to our third son, we knew our family wasn't complete, but I had decided to take a year or two off from the baby-making because I was feeling a bit rundown.

Constantly being pregnant or nursing for three and a half years can really take it out of you, and my body was feeling it. But being the Fertile Myrtle that I am, we ended up pregnant again VERY much on accident.

I'm incredibly happy to have this sweet baby girl, but I must admit that the first couple of months I felt trapped. It's not that I didn't want the baby, I just didn't want to be pregnant. My reluctance to suffer through the initial pregnancy nausea and exhaustion only amplified my discomfort.

I was kicking against the goads: fighting the inevitable and losing every step of the way. I didn't have an epiphany or a turning point that changed everything. I've struggled off and on with every change and pain my body has endured. Pregnancy is just not easy.

I enjoyed my first pregnancy immensely--partly because everything was new and exciting. But each subsequent pregnancy has felt harder and harder in part because I've had more little ones to care for and less time to relax.

All that being said, pregnancy is a perfect prelude to holding that bundle of preciousness in your arms. Pain and joy seem to be inseparably intertwined in the mystery that is motherhood.

In my experience, there has been no growth or maturity in my children without discomfort on my part. This is true of both physical growth in pregnancy and their general growth outside of the womb. Sleep training, potty training, the "terrible" 2's or 3's, and training my babies to obey: each stage and milestone is difficult to achieve, but there is so much joy on the other side of the pain.

Once that baby has been conceived, (in most cases) there is no turning back. I remember standing in the bathroom with my husband the night we found out we were pregnant with our oldest son. He was ecstatic, and I was just standing there in shock thinking: "This baby is inside of me right now, and there is only one exit ramp."

The weight of being someone's mother is something that no one can ever fully prepare you for: the worry, the responsibility, all the mixed emotions, the mommy guilt, the mommy comparison trap, the attachment, the love, and the pride.

 I took my two oldest sons to the playground one day when I was pregnant with our third son. Owen, our oldest, ran up to a group of kids who were running around together and tried to strike up a conversation.

The other children tried to ignore him, but when he didn't get the picture they started running away from him. He had no idea what was going on, so he proceeded to chase them. Finally one of the older kids said, "Everyone can play except you." Then he pointed at my son.

I quickly grabbed him and told him that we were leaving the park. I packed my babies into the stroller and headed home. While I was sprinting away, I heard the bully's mom put the smack down on him (thank goodness). She even yelled an apology to us, but I was booking it because I didn't want anyone to see me sobbing.

After everything, it never really registered with my three year old that the kids at the park had rejected him. I couldn't help but think about all the rejection he will inevitably face in his lifetime without me there to shield him from it. I hate that my children are growing up in a world where they will experience hurt at the hands of others.  And where they will inevitably also turn their hands to hurt.

Things that I would simply ignore and gloss over if they happened in my own life take on fresh meaning and significance when they happen to one of my children. So when they delight in a new friend, blow bubbles, or wrestle with their daddy, I am as elated in their delight as I would be if it were my own experience. Its like my babies are attached to me with an invisible emotional umbilical cord that no one will ever be able to sever.

In the same way that  pregnancy softens my body, every stage of raising my children has softened my heart. Dealing with all of their needs, joys, issues, and hurts has opened my heart to more love than I can contain at times. Trying to understand my little people has given me a greater understanding of myself and other people along with a wider capacity for compassion. 


(* The above photo is from the second trimester of my very first pregnancy. The photo was snapped by the fabulous Mandii Erwin)

Swimming Lessons

Now that summer has wound down for all intents and purposes, I've been reflecting a bit about what we did and learned. One of the more harrowing summer events for both me and my oldest son was swimming lessons.

 There's a great indoor pool within walking distance of our house that offered swimming lessons all summer long for $30 a session. The price could not be beat! So I signed poor Owen up since he was the only one of our children who fit within the age requirements.

 I knew it would be bad, we had him in lessons this winter and he cried and complained the whole time. I braced myself for the worst, but even I didn't realize just how bad it would be this time around.

The thing is, our son just wasn't comfortable going all the way under water. In the classes he took a few months ago they were more gradual with the whole process. They blew bubbles in the water, kicked, started to learn some basic floating; then the very last skill they practiced was jumping in the water. When they jumped in, the teacher would let them go under for a brief second before catching them.

Because of our travel schedule this summer, I was only able to sign him up for the final session of lessons: so maybe they were a bit more gradual in the first weeks. His teachers started every class off by making each child bob under water 3 times. This sent my boy into hysterics! He screamed his head off and refused to do it--so his teacher did it with him. Afterwards he continued to scream, cry, and refuse to do anything his teacher asked of him.

Owen became very skilled in the art of stalling. Once we got to the pool he would immediately request to go to the bathroom (which confused me because he always went before we left the house). One morning, I decided to be all tough love on him, and I told him "NO". He then promptly proceeded to poop in his pants.

I was humiliated. I considered just giving up on the lessons, but what kind of lesson would that teach my child. "Son, when things get hard, when you feel like you're in over your head, and you feel out of control, just give up." I knew this experience wouldn't kill him (maybe just scar him a little), so I decided we'd soldier on.

The first person I had to deal with was myself. Of course I wanted my boy to succeed in swimming, but mostly I just wanted him to stop screaming, crying, and causing a general ruckus in the middle of the aquatic center. I was embarrassed. I was annoyed. I was angry. How had I failed in my mothering and nurturing of him to such an extent that he was afraid of the water?

Whoa now Renee! This whole thing is not about you and your real or imagined failures. Stop thinking about what all the other moms with the adventurous and fearless little tykes think of your parenting chops, and start actually helping your son.

Well, telling him to stop crying over and over again was NOT helping. I tried assuring him that he wouldn't drown since mommy and his teacher were both watching him like a hawk. We talked about being brave at home and prayed on our walk to the pool every morning, but fear still had him  paralyzed.

Then one morning my neighborhood mom friend randomly came over and talked to Owen while he was having one of his mini panic attacks. Instead of telling him to calm down and assuring him that everything was going to be ok, she asked him to tell her the names of his classmates. Then she showed him how to cheer for them and encourage them while he was waiting to get in the water. Genius I tell you!

Immediately he calmed way down. He watched his classmates, and he got to know a few of them. It was like a giant light bulb went off in his head--there are other people in my class besides me and they are going through the same thing I am. That realization was enough to break through his shell of self-pity and fear.

I'm not going to say that everyday after that was rainbows and roses, but it was a start. Finally I knew where to start. Helping him to get his eyes off of himself, and onto others was the first step in overcoming his fear. By the end of his sessions, he hadn't mastered every skill, but he had been able to attempt to do everything his teachers asked of him calmly; that was HUGE! I was so proud.

Lessons from my Husband: A Reflection on our First 5 Years

How can I sum up our first five years of marriage? It feels like 5 minutes ago and 500 years ago all at once.  4 houses, 2 states, 3 children... I've changed; we've changed.

 When we got married, we were madly in love. Don't get me wrong, we're still in love, but much of the madness has faded. Now we are able to see each other and our life together through more realistic spectacles. 

In the early days we were much more focused on adoring one another. These days, we're more focused on laughing about our babies, remembering what God has done in our lives, and enjoying good food, wine, conversation, and experiences.

We are painfully normal. We go through ups and downs. Like any other couple, there are times when we disagree, we take each other for granted, we don't feel connected, and we miss out on opportunities to spend time together.

But, being a front row participant in my husband's life has taught me so much. Listening to his struggles, following his (sometimes complicated) thought processes, and experiencing life's joys and pain with him has been an education.

In honor of our fifth anniversary, I'll share five things I've learned while living with and loving Jonathan Henson.

1. Be reasonable-
My husband loves to talk, and he can talk to anyone. He especially loves to talk to people who hold beliefs that differ from his. He doesn't engage these people because he believes that he can crush their arguments. He enjoys these conversations because he believes that he has as much to learn as he has to share.

 On more occasions than I can count I've sat listening to him talk to people in our dining room, in local bars and restaurants, and wherever he happens to strike up conversation. People always leave him feeling challenged but loved.

 It's easy to demonize people who are different: to laugh at their "ignorance", to assume their simple stupidity.  We forget that every person is made in the image of God and therefore reflects that image in some way. There is much that we can learn, see the good, challenge the evil.

2. Fire and Motion-
It's a catchphrase around our house that was inspired by this article written by Joel Spolsky-- who is one of the hubbs' software engineering heroes. It means: don't expect to be wildly productive everyday, but keep moving forward. Fire at your enemy and keep moving. Gain a little ground everyday and one day the battle will be won.

3. Never stop learning-
When we first got married Jonathan was focused on going to seminary.  Then he landed a job in software development and the rest is history. He fell in love. So with the same vigor he used to plumb the depths of weighty theological issues, he threw himself into C, C++, Java, MySQL, and plenty of other things I still don't understand.

The man solves math problems and writes programs for fun in his free time. He loves to learn and expand his mental capacities, and I love to eat chips and watch movies. He has inspired me to read more, think more, and stop squandering my gifts.

4. His name is Jonathan not Jesus-
This is a lesson I seem to learn over and over again. In my mind our relationship should always feel deeply connected and wildly passionate. I want to stay up till 3am every night having amazing conversations. I want to know every detail of his day. I want him to text me funny stories about his co-workers all day and pictures of what he ate for lunch.

 The reality is that we are two deeply flawed people who work hard all day and have three young children. We work beside each other and don't always have time or energy. I cannot look to my husband to fill every need I have for love, validation, or even companionship. If I do this I will suck him dry.

Jonathan sent me a sweet letter with this Bob Dylan quote enclosed while we were dating. It was after our first fight about my not feeling connected. I wish I could say this conflict doesn't come up anymore, but it does. The last line he added himself.

 Go ’way from my window
Leave at your own chosen speed
I’m not the one you want, babe
I’m not the one you need
You say you’re lookin’ for someone
Never weak but always strong
To protect you an’ defend you
Whether you are right or wrong
Someone to open each and every door
But it ain’t me, babe
No, no, no, it ain’t me, babe
It ain’t me you’re lookin’ for, babe

....It's Jesus

5. Embrace your limitations- 
This is a lesson we've been learning together over the past 5 years. We're learning that God honors our faithfulness more than our ambition. We want to do so much, change so much, and we think we have good ideas.

But we're finding that we only have time to do our jobs, care for our children, love our neighbors, pray to our God, and fall into bed so we have the strength to do it again the next day. This is my husband's favorite quote from The Hobbit and it just about sums it up:

 Saruman believes it is only great power that can hold evil in check, but that is not what I have found. I found it is the small everyday deeds of ordinary folk that keep the darkness at bay. Small acts of kindness and love. Why Bilbo Baggins? I don't know. Perhaps because I am afraid, and he gives me courage. -- Gandalf, The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey.

Kids Crafts: Easy Shaker Drums

Materials:

• Construction Paper
• Paint
• Empty Oatmeal Canisters
• Dried Beans
• Yarn (optional)
• Hot Glue Gun
• Laminating Machine (optional)
• Laminating Envelopes (optional)
  
  
  
  
  

This is a fun and easy craft for toddlers and preschoolers. I came up with the idea for these little gems just by rounding up all the craftable household items I had on hand.

Maybe its just me but crafting with my boys can get a bit chaotic at times, especially when they're excited. So in order to minimize my personal stress level I made this a two-day project.

Day One:

  Let your child or children finger paint a few pieces of construction paper. I put my boys out on the screen porch with their painting aprons on, and they had a blast. After they were done I laid their masterpieces out to dry.

Day Two:

During nap time, I laminated one of their paintings. This step is totally optional but I wanted to add a bit of durability to the drum. When my boys woke up I let them throw a few handfuls of dried beans into their drums. They had a great time playing with the beans. I just made sure that none of them made it into their mouths.

Next, I cut two long pieces of yarn so the drums could be worn around the neck. Insert the two ends of the yarn into the top of the canister and hot glue the whole thing shut. Using the yarn is also totally optional. The neck straps didn't last long at my house, so I think they may be more trouble than they're worth.

Finally, I cut the paper to size and hot glued it to the outside of the oatmeal canisters. The paper didn't cover the entire circumference of the canister so I used the sliver I cut off the bottom to close in the gap. In retrospect I should have just used the gap as a place to write their names, or let them decorate the space with stickers.

Let the shaker drum dry. Then sit back and enjoy watching your kiddos run around shaking and pounding on their homemade treasures!

Routine Details PM

Hello there, I'm back with the details of our afternoon routine! Now let me be clear, I do not always get to do everything listed in my morning and afternoon routines everyday. Some days we just don't have the time. We may have a play date that takes up the whole morning or unexpected errands that take up our afternoon. If we don't get to everything, I just make sure we hit the important things the next day.

 

Lunch

I'm always on the lookout for new quick, easy, and healthy kids lunch ideas. This is usually the meal that my oldest son chows down so I want to make sure its a good one. I try and make sure they get an opportunity to eat veggies at lunchtime. My kids love avocados, carrots (I cut them up small), bell peppers, and green peas so I try to have one or two of these on hand to cut up and stick on their plates. Our current lunchtime rotation includes hummus and Falafel chips, turkey and cheese, and leftovers from dinnertime. If I happen to have hotdogs in the freezer I'll serve those up too-- my kids love them.

One of my Facebook friends routinely posts pictures of these beautiful Bento lunches or snacks she makes for her kids. The snack is usually shaped like an animal or something aesthetically pleasing. Its on my list of things to look into. I think it could be a great way to get my kids excited to eat their food. Plus I'm all about infusing beauty into every area of life.

Starfall

This is the "formal education" time of day for us. For some reason that I don't even remember, I used to be kind of against letting young children use the computer. Starfall changed my mind. This website has made it almost effortless for me to introduce some basic knowledge to my children. My three year old has learned his letters, numbers, shapes, and colors largely thanks to this website. They offer their ABC program for free and if you want access to their other content you can pay a fee of $35 a year. I am a paying member but I used the site for about a year before we decided to join. I only joined because my child had a firm handle on his ABC's and I wanted to try some of the more math oriented portions of the site. There may be better ways to educate but this works for us. I can sit down with my two oldest children and go through letters, colors, and numbers without any preparation.
  

Nap Time

My two big boys take an afternoon nap at the same time. My older son doesn't always take a nap. I usually send him into nap time with some toys, books, or puzzles. I tell him to stay in bed and then I close the door. I don't worry about whether he actually goes to sleep or not. I cannot force him to go to sleep but I can provide an opportunity for him to at least get quiet and rest for a while. He usually comes out of nap time refreshed even if he hasn't actually slept.

PM Snack

Afternoon snack time is tricky. It's close enough to dinner time that if I give them too much food they will not touch a thing on their dinner plates. But the funny thing is, they always want to eat a huge snack at this time. Lately the kids have been loving popcorn. The hubbs took the oldest two out for their first movie theater experience a few weeks back. They saw  Planes, complete with hot, buttery popcorn. We went to the grocery store a few days later, and my oldest son kept asking: "Mom, can we get some popcorn?" I'm a sucker for that kid, so I bought some and we've been eating it ever since.

Sit Time

Sit time helps my boys develop the discipline they need to sit still and be quiet when Mama tells them to. It really comes in handy anytime we're out in public.  It can be used at the doctor's office, big church, or even when you go out to eat. This is not something we do all the time, but I take it in and out of our routine when I feel like my sons need the practice.

A few weeks ago I noticed that my middle child was getting rowdy and loud in church so I brought back sit time. I have them both sit down at our dining room table and give them 2 or 3 books apiece. Then I lay out the rules. "Boys it's time to do sit time. I want you to sit still and read. You are not allowed to talk or get up until the buzzer goes off. If you decide to disobey there will be consequences." I set my timer for 5 minutes (we'll work our way up to 15 minutes over a few weeks time). 

 

Outside Play Time

We go outside in the backyard and play. Easy Peasy

 

Dinner

If there's going to be a meal my kids don't touch this is the one. I don't let it bother me. All I ask is that they try a bite. We leave their plates on the table and if they ask for a snack after dinner we tell them to go back to the table and eat their dinner. I can usually get dinner prepped and cooked during nap time. But if it's one of those days or seasons (pregnancy and early postpartum) when I really need to nap I'll prep at the beginning of nap time and cook while the boys are eating their snack.

Scripture Reading & Catechism

We keep this time pretty brief. The hubbs reads a small passage of the Bible, then does his best to explain it in terms our little ones can understand. He prays and then we review a few catechism questions and my older son's scripture memory verses. Our oldest son is three years old and can quickly memorize just about anything, kids his age have an amazing capacity for memory work.

Family Hangout

We just hangout and have fun together as a family unit. We may go to a local park or playground, hit up Starbucks for coffee, go swimming at our neighborhood pool, watch a movie, run out to Target, or just play around the house.

Bed Time

We usually try to get our boys to bed around 8pm, but it honestly varies. If they're super cranky we opt for 7:30pm but if we're out having fun with friends, or its a special occasion we're fine with them going to bed later.  We've found if they stay up much later than 8pm on a regular basis they breakdown, and it is NOT pretty--the screaming, the crying, the chaos. Mama can't take that.

I have friends who put their kids to bed at 6pm and some who let them stay up till 10pm. It really just depends on your family's routine and how late you want your kiddos to sleep in the morning. On a normal night we just change them into their pajamas, read them a story, give them a kiss and some tickles, maybe sing a song or two, pray and then turn out the lights. My two older boys share a room so they probably stay up talking and laughing for an hour after we put them to bed. I don't let their loud revelry bother me. As long as they stay in their beds, I'm totally down with their after hours bonding sessions. After all, we want them to be close.

 Resources

Need more ideas for your daily routine? Read Creative Family Times: Practical Activities for Building Character
Want to know what catechism we use? Catechism for Young Children: Original Edition

Hope you enjoyed this series!

Routine Details AM

 Here are the details of our morning routine. I have three kids 3 years old and under so my motto is "Keep it Simple"! 

Breakfast

It's the most important meal of the day, or so the experts say. I've never been one to get up hours before my kids so breakfast at our house used to be a bit chaotic. That was before I learned that we all have a more enjoyable morning when breakfast is prepped and on the table for our boys before they come downstairs. So this is what usually happens, I hear the first peep come out of a waking child's mouth and I run downstairs and start the breakfast prep. By the time I'm done they've had some time to play in their room and I tell my hubbs that I'm ready. He rolls out of bed and retrieves our children and we get on with the morning without weeping and gnashing of teeth (usually anyways).

Now onto our menu, I like to have 2 or 3 easy go-to meals for breakfast and lunch-- things that don't take a whole lot of effort. When we get tired of eating these things I just pick something else to put in the rotation. Right now eggs are a HUGE staple in our house. We eat eggs almost every morning (unless you're my husband, in which case all you eat is coffee). I usually just scramble them in some butter with salt and pepper, cut up a piece of fruit, maybe throw a piece of toast in there. If we're not eating eggs I usually fix baked oatmeal. There's a great recipe over at Stacy Makes Cents. The only trick with the oatmeal is that I have to get up in time to pop it in the oven before the boys wake up...so we usually eat eggs.

Prayer

I just like to sit my boys down on my lap and start the day with a prayer. Its nothing fancy or long. I just thank God for the day, pray for each of them, for Daddy, and for my own strength, wisdom, and endurance (you know I need it!).

Reading

Since my boys are already seated around me I use this time to read books. We start out with the bible story of the week and move on to our library books and any other books that they request. Some days we get through five books, some days they can only sit through one or two stories.

Room Time

I got this idea from On Becoming Babywise: Book II (Parenting Your Pretoddler Five to Twelve Months). This is 30-45 minutes where my kids play independently. It's supposed to be really good for them because it helps them to develop their creativity and learn to entertain themselves. They love it and so do I!

My two older boys share a room so one of them spends his room time in our guest bedroom. I play music and lay out a few toys for them and they play happily until I come and get them. While they are playing, I get to take a shower or get work done around the house. Yeah!

We started this process when they were 5 or 6 months old. We started with five or ten minutes and gradually week by week worked our way up. I put them in their crib or our pack-n-play and let them go to town. When our kids are between 18 months old and two years old they usually graduate to room time ( in a baby-proofed room with a baby gate).  If you think you'd like to try room time and your kids are older, I'd still start out with 5 or 10 minutes: maybe add a timer and tell them that you'll be back when the timer goes off. At first it may be tough. They may cry through the whole 5 minutes because they think you're abandoning them, but by the end of the week they'll realize you're coming back in 5 minutes and be freed up to play.

AM Snack

I usually give my boys a small apple or cut up a large one for them to share. The thing I've realized about snacks is that if they're too big my boys won't eat their meals. Also, if I get one really well eaten meal in each of them everyday I'm doing well. They just don't eat tons.

Morning Activity

Most days we just take a walk around the neighborhood and go to the playground. Back when I only had one baby, this was my workout time, but now my boys like to walk instead of ride in the stroller--so we move at a snail's pace. On rainy days we paint, play in the rain, cook, or have cleaning parties. If I need to run out to the grocery store this is when we jump in the car and go.

There you have it! This is our morning routine in a nutshell. If you have questions or even suggestions, feel free to comment or contact me. I'll be posting the details of our afternoon routine shortly, so keep an eye out for it!

What We Do All Day

Before I became a mom I was so excited about everything. I couldn't wait to stay home with my baby and take care of our home...but then it happened. I gave birth to my oldest son, and instead of just soaking up the time with him, I was always thinking, "What am I supposed to do with this baby all day? I mean I know he's got to be fed, clothed, and have his diaper changed but what am I supposed to do with him in between those times?"

First I tried scheduling our day: 7:30am wake up and breakfast, 8:00am take a walk, 9:00am reading time, and on and on... Well, I soon realized that I'm not a super scheduler. Some moms love a schedule, but I discovered that for me if I started letting the clock dictate what we're going to do I'd get anxious if an activity didn't take as much time as I planned. On the other hand, I'd get anxious if an activity was taking too long.

I tried the whole fly by the seat of your pants thing for a while, but instead of giving me the freedom I was looking for, I was still haunted by the question, "What the heck am I supposed to do with this child all day?" I needed structure. I needed order. I needed a routine. I have come to LOVE a good routine. My routine is just a sequence of regular activities that we do most everyday (except on the weekends and holidays). It has really helped me to be able to relax and enjoy my children, and it keeps me from feeling like I'm counting down the minutes until my hubbs gets home (though I still have those days sometimes).

I think having a set routine has also helped me accomplish long term training goals in my childrens' lives by doing a little every day. For example, when my oldest son was a baby we wanted him to be able to sit in big church with us. So for about 6 months we had sermon sitting time everyday. We sat in front of the computer, and I put him in my lap. I played a sermon for 5 minutes. Before we started I laid out some books and told him he could read but not speak. If he decided to talk he was disciplined. We  were eventually able to work up to sitting for 30 minutes.

My routine is a work in progress. I add to it and subtract from it when I see a need. During the winter I take the boys outside in the middle of the day when it's warmer, but during the summer I try to get them out early in the morning or close to dusk. Here's a peek into our current routine:

Breakfast
Prayer
Reading
Room time
AM Snack
Morning Activity
Lunch
Starfall
Nap time
PM Snack
Sit Time
Outside Playtime
Dinner
Bible Reading and Catechism
Family Hangout

I'm going to take each of our routine activities and go into greater detail about what they are and what we are doing in subsequent posts, so be on the lookout!

Details of our Morning Routine
Details of our Afternoon Routine

I found my blog!

I had no idea this thing was still up and running. I thought for sure they'd taken it down since I haven't blogged in like 2 years, but oh no! I found my blog today. There have been several things I've been wanting to blog about lately so I'm extremely glad to have found it. There have been so many changes in our home over the last few years! We've added two more sweet boys to our family, we have Owen (3), Edmund (2 in a few days) and baby Jude (5 weeks). We LOVE our boys!!

We've also moved! Six months ago we sold our beautiful home in Montgomery, AL (tear!) and hauled all of our junk to a rental house in a suburb right outside of Charleston, SC. Jonathan took a job with Amazon and is enjoying it, and I'm at home trying to juggle my three boys while attempting to make friends and get settled in this new town. I need an outlet so even if no one reads this thing I can get my thoughts out and pictures up and have something documented from this stage of our lives. I hope you enjoy!

I'm Back...

I decided to blog tonight which has been rare of late. During the years I worked at Montevallo I blogged all the time, though honestly halfway out of a sense of desperation...This season of my life leaves me little time for morbid introspection which I really think is one of the many bonuses of motherhood. If my little boy makes it to bed with a full tummy and a clean face and bum, I'm feeling pretty good. Marriage and motherhood have changed me, and for the better I hope...first of all I'm far less self-conscious about my physical appearance. I used to really labor and slightly obsess at times over my looks, but now I figure Jonathan can't run and Owen couldn't care less, so I only brush my hair every few days and I barely even glance at the mirror for days at a time. Not that I'm letting myself go, I'm just feeling free to be who I am and not worry. My need for excitement has also died down considerably. Watching my little boy laugh and explore is about as much of a thrill as I need. I love spending quiet evenings with my men- Jonathan, Owen, and our dog Buck. We crawl around on the floor together, read books and snuggle. How's that for an exciting Friday night! I used to always want to be around big groups of people but now a small dinner party suits my fancy. Exercise has also changed. I used to take long runs everyday, and now I go walking in normal clothes with my baby and my dog. We have a good time and I don't worry about whether I'm pushing myself or not. One thing that I would like to fit in my life somehow is some kind of creative outlet- writing, crafting, sewing, drawing..something. I want to start doing one creative thing everyday.

Gratitude

There are nights when I go to bed angry about what's happened or discouraged about my life but I'm thankful that tonight isn't one of those nights. Owen is sleeping soundly, Jonathan is on his way home from band practice and our dog Buck is snoring at the foot of our bed. I don't have anything quite figured out- house cleaning, how to keep a 5 month old occupied and properly stimulated, how to make some extra bucks on the side while I stay home with our son, how to feel sexy when my clothes are covered with spit-up...but there's so much joy in my heart tonight. I'm falling forward...making lots of mistakes, but learning so much!

Embracing the Other Shoe

I was chatting it up on the phone with my mom the other day and I confessed to her that I'm enjoying my life so much right now that I'm kind of waiting for the other "hand to drop." She quickly corrected me... "the expression is waiting for the other shoe to drop." Whatever the case, taking care of our sweet son and our beautiful home is no easy task but I'm learning to love it more and more everyday. On Monday night a couple we barely know from church called and invited us over for dinner. Since I hadn't started cooking I jumped on the opportunity to get a break and some good company. There were three couples present that night and as conversation moved from the trivial, to politics, and finally to our personal struggles, I found out that the couple who'd opened their home to us so graciously had lost their 2-year old son four years ago when he tragically drowned in their backyard swimming pool. A few weeks ago our neighbor Tim came over late one night and talked to us for a few hours about suffering and the goodness of God. After hearing about just a few of the things he's gone through recently it was enough to scare me. God loves me but I have no idea what He may allow to happen in my life in the future. I can't control or prevent the inevitable tragedies. Anyone who believes that they will never go through hard times is delusional or in the grips of some serious denial. This thought has honestly had me questioning the goodness of God lately. I love my husband and my little son, and I don't want anything to change but change is as unavoidable as the spring rains. I'm so afraid, but perfect love casts out fear for fear has to do with punishment...I think that's part of what I'm afraid of. I know myself and my imperfections and part of me thinks that God has it out for me because I can't do things right. But why don't I take His promises to heart? He has given me Christ's record of righteousness and bound me to Himself in unshakable love. He has promised to weave every joy and sorrow of my little life together into something beautiful.

"Shall we accept good from God and not trouble?"- Job 2:10b

He said, "Naked I came from my mother's womb, And naked I shall return there. The LORD gave and the LORD has taken away. Blessed be the name of the LORD."- Job 1:21

Man, Job is something else...he lost all of his children, his wealth, his wife, and his health in a day. He had some serious questions but he refused to shake his fist at God. Lord let my heart believe and cling to Your goodness like Job did.

The Stinky Cheese Man

Alright, I thought babies were supposed to smell fresh and clean. My little man smells like cheese! Admittedly he spits up after every feeding and he is getting a little chunky so I think that excess milk is making its way to his rolls and staying there...creating a sort of breast milk cheese if you will. I've tried scrubbing him really good in the bathtub and covering the odor up with baby lotion but nothing seemed to help until...my sister in law let me in on her little secret. She has her own little stinky cheese man and she told me that rubbing baby powder with cornstarch into her man's little rolls was about the only thing that cut the odor. It's only been a day or two since I've started my personal War on Cheese but the special baby powder is doing pretty darn good! Kathi, you're a lifesaver!!!

Yesterday...

Yesterday one of my dear new friends from Montgomery came over to visit with Owen and I. I haven't even known her a year but I love her heart. She got pregnant a few weeks after me and should have had her baby sometime in March but she miscarried during her second trimester and had to deliver a dead baby. The whole situation was horrifying for me and I can't imagine what she was going through physically and emotionally. The worst of it was that all the couples around our age at church were getting pregnant so pregnancy and babies were just about the only think anyone could talk about. But yesterday she came over and told me that she and her husband are in the process of adopting a 4 year old boy from Romania. I'm so excited for them. It was refreshing to talk to her and dream with her about what it will be like to love and help a little boy who's spent his whole life in and orphanage. I got so excited about loving an orphan boy that it really convicted me about how little I think about creatively loving the little biological boy that the Lord has blessed us with. I've just been living on survival mode these past weeks with the new house and Jonathan being out of town. I've been so worried about whether I've been doing everything just right with Owen that I haven't been able to just enjoy him, until yesterday. I feel like I'm learning all the lessons I learned when I was single all over again in a new context. It seems like I'm always learning to trust the Lord more and more...It was so good to hear joy in the voice of a friend whose suffered so much, and struggled so much to believe that God is really good and loves her and hears her prayers.

O Atlanta.....

Well, Marietta would be more accurate...Owen and I have been camping out here for two weeks while daddy has been on the never ending business trip to Las Vegas. It's been incredibly relaxing and nice to have two grandparents around who can't get enough of their grandson. But I've got to admit that I can't wait to get home and get back to our normal life. Not that it's at all normal now that Owen has made his big debut but I guess I'm looking forward to figuring out what our normal life and routine will look like. We bought a house and moved into it 10 days after our baby boy was born so needless to say half of our stuff is still in boxes. It's funny, being back in my childhood home with my baby has made me pretty nostalgic. Growing up I had so many visions about where I would be and what I'd be doing when I grew up. I never imagined I'd be living in Montgomery, AL as a stay at home wife and mom. That just wouldn't have been ambitious enough for me back then but it fits me now. I've got to admit that I'm happier than I've been in a long time!

For Unto Us A Son is Born

Alright here's the down and dirty... I checked into the hospital at 3pm on Monday to be induced. I've gotta admit I was a little weepy as we got out of the car, mostly I think because I was scared and just didn't know what to expect. Jonathan had to reassure me that we would definitely be leaving the hospital sometime very soon with a sweet baby boy. They started me on a little pill to soften my cervix at 5pm which I took in four parts throughout the night. I got really drowsy and ended up falling asleep around 9:30pm. By 2:30am I was wide awake and in active labor. I was breathing through my contractions and my heavy breathing woke up my sleeping husband, who rushed right to my side. Owen was turned sunny side up so I experienced mostly back labor. I'd heard back labor could be awful but my birth coach (the husband) gave me a seven hour back rub that got me through the pain. At 5am the nurse started my pitocin drip, and I was kind of scared because I'd heard that the contractions are more powerful and painful with pitocin. Honestly I'm not sure if that's true or not because I really have nothing to compare it to. Anyways, by 5:30am I was done. I told Jonathan that the pain was too intense and I wanted the epidural. He tried to encourage me to stay strong and keep going by telling me that our birthing book said that when you reach the "third emotional signpost" the feeling that you can't go on any longer, that your labor is almost over. But I didn't want to hear that I just wanted the drugs so he called in our awesome nurse Rivers who told me that I was doing great and she'd check my progress. I was 7 cm and almost ready to push. Needless to say I didn't get any drugs. The doctor came in and broke my water and I started pushing. Two hours later Owen was born!!!!!

Waiting for O

Who would've thought a year ago, while I was planning my wedding and going to showers, that a year later I'd be eagerly anticipating the birth of our first child. And when I say eagerly, I mean eagerly... He was due the first week of February and that week came and past and I am still pregnant. I'm not bitter I'm just ready. I went to the doctor on Wednesday and he said that Owen is around 9lbs. 6oz. so...if he doesn't head out before Monday at 3pm the doctor is going to induce me. As someone who was planning to have a natural birth I must admit that labor induction seems a bit scary so I've been trying to jolt him out of there myself. I've tried staying on my feet for hours at a time, walking and exercise, sex...but nothing seems to be working. I'm pretty sure my little boy is quite comfortable. Ready or not he'll be here on Tuesday at the latest!